I thought I would let you know My Story from last summer up until now, sorry its so long but I hope you enjoy!!
I thought college was going to be GREAT! I thought doing my psychology A level course I could help “cure” myself in the process from my anxiety and depression.
I was wrong.
College did start of great, it was exciting for me and everything seemed easy, but I believe this was adrenaline. I was just trying to get through a scary situation and whilst I was doing that I seemed to shut off and everything then seemed ok. But a few days later when I was calmer, I saw through rational eyes and woke up to reality, and the reality of it was it wasn’t for me.
I realised that the reason I was going to college was because I wanted a career in psychology helping people like myself, but I was suffering through two other courses that I hated ( and wasn’t very good at) just so I could do psychology. However I wanted this career in mind so badly that I was willing to work hard, complete my A levels and go to university.
As the weeks went on I enjoyed my psychology class less and less and being exposed to counselling first hand I felt that want we was being taught about how people were treated was a lie, ( however this is most likely due to my bad experiences in therapy) .
I started to suffer more and more with panic attacks and was put on medication to control them by lessening symptoms such as a fast heart rate. I ever since take this medication twice daily.
I let my self go through this unenjoyable experience of college because I didn’t know what else to do, but I made sure I had a fair representation and planned to stay. I stayed months, up until a few weeks before Christmas, when our family had not only sad but devastating news which I was delivered by my parents during lunch break at college.
I stayed the rest of the day as I thought it would keep my mind of this news and it did.
The next day was my first ever day at work, regardless to say it went extremely badly, I shouldn’t have rushed into things but I felt as though that’s what everybody expected me to do, put on a brave face protect my self from feeling emotion and get on with it. I still get flashbacks, my family does to but we find ways of supporting each other and helping each other through it. We should feel emotions, even the bad ones otherwise they end up coming out in a destructive way anyway.
After that I decided to take a day off college, then two, then another, then another, and then that turned into a week and then a week turned into two. Time gives you space to think and this amount of time made me think of two things, or rather two questions.
- Do I really want to be at college?
- If I’m not at college, what is it I would want to do?
I decided to leave college and start applying for apprenticeships for basically anything that would give me work experience, because to tell you the truth I still don’t really know what I want to do. And that should be ok for now, although I have a hard time accepting it, I don’t need to decide the rest of my life right now.
I applied for apprenticeships for about a month with no feedback, I felt depressed as an unemployed 17 year old with all my friend progressing through education. Then about two weeks ago I got my first ever interview and it went well ( I still don’t know if I got it though).
Following that I didn’t feel nervous about interviews… apart from I did. Even though I knew there was nothing to worry about I still worried for some reason. So, this brings us up to last Tuesday, the date of my second interview. I was very nervous for this one, but I convinced myself that Id be fine and it was, the taxi that was dropping me off reached the location of my interview perfectly fine until it crashed into another on coming car.
Both me and the taxi driver got out the car, the front of the taxi was crumpled up on one side ( not very badly, but bad enough) and oil was leaking all over the floor.
We were directly outside the building I was supposed to go to my interview at, and I was shaken ( I still am) and a few tears escaped my eyes, but I had a decision to make do I go home? everyone would understand why I didn’t go to the interview right?
NO. If I didn’t go to this interview maybe I would be too nervous to go to the next. So I walked into the building, I didn’t tell my potential employer that I had just been in a car crash (although all my friends and family said I should have) and, the rest of the interview I can’t remember.
That’s my story so far and although I’m still unemployed, I have hope if I can make it through all this then I must be worth something to someone.
Thanks for reading!!